I live with my long-term partner and their family. We moved in with them after financial and health problems, including my partner surviving cancer and continuing to deal with serious medical issues. Everyone in the household is low income, and my partner currently works limited hours through cleaning and home-care clients.
I recently learned the basics of programming and completed a paid internship that involved AI development, building several models, working on a prototype, contributing to an AI-enabled IDE, and doing some frontend and security-related work. The internship ended as expected, and I have been looking for work for a little over a month. Because of injuries, epilepsy, and back problems, I need work that can be done from home or allows me to respond quickly when symptoms occur. I am open to non-technical work too, but programming is the career path I am passionate about and believe could improve our situation.
Instead of encouraging me, my partner and their family seem irritated whenever I mention programming, job applications, education, or career plans. They appear to treat coding as if it is not real work, or as though I am wrong for trying to improve my life. I grew up poor and have experienced homelessness, so I do not look down on them. If I get a stable job, I intend to help the household. There are also complicated issues involving my partner's health, many animals from their past rescue work, and an abusive family member, which make moving out difficult.
Has anyone dealt with family members reacting negatively when they try to improve their career or financial situation? How can I pursue this without constantly dealing with hostility, while still supporting my partner?
3 Answers
There are several possible reasons for the reaction: some people dismiss programming as not being real work, someone who is dependent on others may resent seeing another person become more independent, and family members may fear that your plans will change the household. None of that means you should abandon the path. Set calm boundaries around insults and interruptions, keep pursuing suitable remote work, and make a realistic plan for housing and finances rather than promising that future income will solve everything immediately.
Sometimes people who are struggling react badly when someone close to them starts trying to move forward. Your progress can make them feel insecure or force them to confront their own situation. That does not make your goals wrong, but it does mean arguing about your plans may not change their attitude. Keep working, share less with people who only discourage you, and focus on building income and savings so you have more choices.
That seems to fit what I’m seeing. I’m trying to keep my head down and focus on applications rather than constantly explaining myself.
The most important issue may not be the family’s opinion but whether your partner is willing to respect your goals. A partner does not have to understand programming, but they should not deliberately undermine you for trying to become stable and independent. Have a private, direct conversation about what support and boundaries you both need. If your partner continues treating your ambition as a problem, consider counseling or seriously reassessing the relationship while also protecting your finances and personal safety.
Moving is complicated because of my partner’s ongoing medical issues and the number of animals we have, but I agree that I need to think about a practical exit plan instead of assuming everyone will eventually support me.